When things get tough

Over the years I have found that running and being active are a great outlet and I generally just love it. I feel at peace just being out on the trails or in the mountains and then feel such a sense of achievement after. It has in many ways become a crutch for me. It's not easy to admit this because I like to think that every time I get out it is for pure enjoyment and not because if I don't I feel anxious and pent up. And I know there are many people out there that are the same. That they become dependant on the rush from the endorphins that come with exercising. A very positive thing that helps with mood and general well-being becomes a dependancy. So how do we get the right balance? How do we know if our passion has become our drug? I like to think that I am someone who just likes to be active and fit naturally, I always have been.  But there is a balance, as much as Id like to live like an athlete or someone who is disciplined enough to run for hours and hours every week, I think I am coming to realise that I don't want it to take over my life quite that much. I want it to enhance it, not take away my physical and mental energy. That which I feel aiming to run 100 miles is doing. My problem is that I always compare myself to those that either extremely disciplined, keen or also obsessive and dependant. People that wouldn't dream of spending a day on the couch or not leaving the house. I want to have that discipline and determination or motivation. Or do I?  Whenever I have a day off I feel that it should be spent running. I feel that anyone else training for the same is doing just that. Running for hours and hours, day after day and being disciplined with diet and everything else that comes with it. But I am finding that I am battling with guilt of not doing enough, not knowing if what I am doing is enough and whether I really have it in me. I know that's all part of it. Seeing how much you are actually willing to push yourself and grit your teeth and get on with it. Well, it's really testing me!!!
My mood has been particularly low, to a point where even running is a chore. I feel mentally drained and the pressure to get in the miles is not helping. I continue to compare myself to others as a way of seeking reassurance but it fails as all I see is them doing more than me. So I am going to continue to do what helps me mentally and hope that with it my energy and psych return. I may not be doing 40-50 mile weeks but if I can walk, cycle, jog a bit and just keep active, as I always have, and enjoy it, I will have to hope that there is enough in me mentally to get me through.
P.S. Please feel free to comment, ask questions, discuss etc etc :)

Slowly building up

After a slow February I am slowly starting to feel myself building up the miles and enjoying being out again. Admittedly the better weather, lighter morning and evenings helps, but I think taking a bit of the pressure off and just getting out and enjoying running, no matter the distance, ascent or time has helped get me feel driven to push a bit more again.
We had a great weekend out from Coniston on the weekend starting with the Lakeland 100 route into Seathwaite and before getting to Boot headed towards round back into Coniston. It was really boggy under foot and my feet froze and being the longest run in a while I did feel a little grumpy at points. And navigating, who would have thought that would be quite so tiring. I spent ages deciding where we were going to go the week before, and then trying to find the route around was tricky, but with a little help I managed. OK, with a lot of help! We had one really steep climb and needed the help of some wine gums, which is unusual for me, to get me up to the top. The descent was quite uncomfortable on numb feet, but once we were making our way along by Levers water feeling had returned and was just loving the beautiful surroundings. A great 18 miles out and over 1500m of ascent. On reflection I think more food would have helped me, but managed a thin bread cashew butter sandwich, chicken and pickle sandwich and trek bar. yes, Kibo probably shared half with me so maybe I just need more treats for him :)

Sunday I dragged lacked motivation as Joe wasn't feeling well I had to go on my own. I picked a route I knew, or so I thought, from Coniston to Skelwith Bridge. I went off course from the start so it didn't set me up well. A few shouts and tears later I got back on course and plodded very slowly through the very wet and boggy terrain until Chaplestile where i felt such relief to be running on firm ground. I'd had enough and settled on a 12 mile day, just happy that I had run back to back days after a while being off the mountains.
So much to work on. So much uncertainty, anxiety and serious doubt. Feeling tired after an 18 mile leisurely run out makes me so unsure about if I will be able to do it. But isn't that the point? To see how far you are willing to push and go through pain? Oh my goodness, I just hope I have it in me!